You Heathens

I'm writing this bloob in response to this bloob. In case you're wondering - a bloob is a blog about boobs.

You atheists really take the holy wafer. You really think the guy you saw on the wall is Jesus? You wouldn't know Jesus if He came up and bit you on the right nipple - even if you were standing alone in a Starbuck's with a bag of sushi - and there was no one else around but Lindsay Lohan.

The Christians want you to think Jesus was a tall, white guy with nice muscles and a beard. Really! You weren't looking at Jesus on that wall, it might have been Ben Franklin dressed for a French Halloween masquerade ball, or a photoshopped cross between Tom Hanks and Abe Lincoln, but no my daughter, it was not Jesus who was bespoiling your eyes.

If it were Jesus he would have looked more like Hermann Berger or Osama bin Laden than the progeny of Thomas Jefferson and his slave Jamima - the latter of pancake and pancake syrup fame. Thomas Jefferson had really strong genes, enough to compensate for the very African genes of Jamima LaTouche - his radicalized African slave who he imported from the French Congo. 


By-the-way, the French Congo was sold to Belgium for some trinkets and beads, mainly because the French felt sorry for Belgium who never really owned squat due to a weak military composed of girlish boys most of whom were of timid, docile and oh-so-antiwar Swiss stock. All white boys too.

So then it became The Belgium Congo - a haven for rich, white, fat slave traders and aging, nearly toothless prostitutes who had became too old, smelly and saggy for the sophisticated men of post-colonial America.  But Belgium, with its effeminate army of girlish boys and men, couldn't hang on to The Congo very long - The Belgium Congo is no more. The Belgium Congo is now called Zimbabwe - a place that almost none of us know, and even fewer of us love.  I put forth this information in case you're history-challenged.

I digress.


Though you're a devout atheist you're allowing the Christians to pull one over on you. That white guy on the wall was not Jesus. You can have the city come spray paint the wall and cover up the white guy - but you can't cover up Jesus because he is Risen and won't be back until He's good and ready. And when He comes back we're all in trouble; your tits will be the least of your problems then. 


You've allowed the Christians to hoodwink you into believing that the guy on the offensive wall is Jesus. Jesus! Don't be so gullible. He's a white guy with a beard - he can't even play basketball for Christ's sake. It might be George Clooney or Jeffrey Hunter, it might even be Jeb Bush - but it's not Jesus. I thought you were much brighter than this.

Listen! This is just a white guy with a beard!Perhaps Ben Franklin in costume.

You atheists need to organize better and stop worrying so much about white guys with beards. What do you think, Jesus is Elvis? Wake up!


Though I'm not sure I'd join your legion of God-haters (just in case, I want to leave my options open), I'd like to help you out. What atheists need is an icon. 


Take a lesson from the poor Jews who were at one time a big deal. They had really big parties celebrating Moses. They had really big boats. They even talked to God - something I'm going to guess you've never done. Honestly, I have to admit I haven't either - but if I could I have a lot of questions to ask him. I'd like to know why we have bladders? I mean why can't we just dribble all over? We didn't used to have houses, for God's sake. We used to live in freakin' caves. Like a little urine is going to ruin a cave! Why bladders? Huh? All they do is go bad and help some rich white guys who make adult diapers get richer. Having to get up to pee is annoying especially when you're in the middle of watching Sponge Bob.

(I give credit to Nipple-odeon for the image above - used without permission!)


Anyway...


What you atheists need are icons. The Jews didn't have any. Once they ran out of fake stone tablets and arks - they had to settle for menorahs. Who the hell cares about menorahs. The don't look good, you can't stick them on a chain and wear them around your neck, and you certainly can't have refrigerator magnets that look like menorahs. The Christians were smart. Crucifixes are cool and simple. You can make one out of two sticks. You can make really nice rear-view mirror hangers from them, even air fresheners. And when you see a cross, a crucifix if you will, you think Jesus and Christianity - even if you don't know what the hell Jesus looks like. What do we think of when we think about atheists? Right! Some old, gray-haired fat lady. That's right - Madelyn Murray O'Hair. See for yourself:

Atheist founder and would-be icon--Really!

You really think this nutball is going to attract intellectual, pensive men like me? You're nuts. I wouldn't even fall for a boob-popping thing like you pulled at that kiddie play.


Take a lesson from the Jews who let Emperor Constantine put freaking crosses everywhere and pictures of Jesus (who in those times looked like Augustus Caesar - i.e. not quite white yet) in every public bath and brothel. It wasn't long before Jesusmania swept Rome and then the world.


The poor Jews stood around lighting Manorah's and killing lambs while the world went nuts for Christianity. You think the world is going to go nuts for atheism? You're crazy!


You need an icon. I have the perfect icon for your movement: a cucumber. Sleek, smooth and phallic, cucumbers would be the ideal icon for atheism. They're cool, green and don't look a bit like Jesus or Madelyn Murray O'Hair. Cucumbers are cheap and plentiful - and they can be used in salads and in bed. 


Think about it. I'm giving you free advice. Don't worry about white guys' pictures on city property and try to convince me that it was Jesus. You're wasting your time getting all upset about some white guy with a beard. If you want to waste time, go look for Elvis or go to the Columbus Dispatch and tell them you were abducted by aliens and they took tissue samples from both nipples.


Wake up, atheists! You need an icon or you'll end up like the Jews.


I'm just sayin'.